I think I am losing it

Running behind something mysterious, without knowing what it is, has given me a better insight about what I have, and what I want to have. Struggling with my ever changing emotions, I have figured out that this vagueness in my mind is the child of my lost innocence. The meaning of growing up in this world is not limited to development of the body, brain and the ability to comprehend the situations better. It’s a lot more than that. It is (but not limited to) about manipulating the rest of the world and making your way through it.

Over the years, we set various goals for ourselves. And chase them for which we find our own different ways, good or bad. Like everybody else, I am finding my own too. But I fear that in the process of hunting my aims, I might end up losing my innocence. Which, I think I am already, worsening my own self. I miss my true self. It still exists, but it has hidden behind veils of pretence and diplomacy. And it’s commendable to see how pretence comes naturally to me now. I have learnt to fake a bright smile in public on a gloomy day (gloomier the day, brighter the smile). It’s easy for me as I any way have a smiling face, and I like to smile. There are true smiles too, often. But only the friends can tell the difference. Honestly, I love smiling but it irritates my wits when I have to fake one for the people I literally hate.

Sometimes, I reminisce and wonder where I have lost that time… Those innocent thoughts, those simple ways of living, those selfless emotions, those clear thoughts, those undiplomatic interactions, those blunt talks, fearless expressions of emotions, no worries about being judged. Gosh! I miss all that!! I wonder if some day my loved ones will mistake my love for deception. Behind the covers, there is an optimistic soul and a true heart. I am harmless. I might use tactful acts as means to righteous ends, but would never use them to hurt my kith and kin.

I am a believer and I know this is exactly how I was meant to be. It doesn’t upset me anymore. In fact, I feel successful as I see myself adapting to the various phases of life. I still hope to re-live those carefree days of my life. So here I surrender my lost innocence in hope of re-liberation of the sanctity.

6 thoughts on “I think I am losing it

  1. Honestly, my blog would have more than one post reflecting thoughts about myself 😛 With most bloggers, its that he/she has most knowledge about that area (“self”) and that is his/her favorite topic to talk about.

  2. One of those days, I guess…Every blogger has at least one post reflecting on the self. Take the experience of exploring yourself as a journey and not a pitt stop..

  3. very honest thots … at least u know ur true self … thts gud … thr r ppl .. who r so busy pretending … tht they turn into exctly wat they r pretending … and their true self … lost smwhr ..

  4. very honest thots … at least u know ur true self … thts gud … thr r ppl .. who r so busy pretending … tht they turn into exctly wat they r pretending … and their true self … lost smwhr ..

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